Thursday, 27 July 2017

Rugby League Live 4: Gamers Heed Warning and Demand Refunds

The gamers within the Rugby League community have been eagerly awaiting the release of the new Rugby League Live video game since the announcement of its impending release earlier in the year. The wait is finally over for those who got in early and secured their pre order copies with the likes of EB Games and JB HiFi being swamped with couch coaches nation wide eager to use their wealth of knowledge they have for the game and lead their teams to virtual glory.

In an unexpected twist, as quickly as the pre ordered copies were snapped up they were being returned in record numbers with staff from various outlets, gaming professionals and programmers alike confirming that what is being witnessed is unprecedented within the gaming community and is cause for concern over the future of Sports Video Games.

The release of the studies that have recently been concluded by V.A.G.I.N.A (Video Audio Gaming International Network of Affairs) could not have been timed any worse for the developers of the new Rugby League game and there are growing fears among insiders that the results from these studies could be the death knell for not only sporting games but video games in general.

The in depth studies that were conducted came back with conclusions that are impossible to ignore. A decade long process that saw researchers travel America, Great Britain, Australia and New Zealand and interviewing every inmate and professional sports star throughout those countries ended with some shocking discoveries. 

Since the very first release of Grand Theft Auto in 1997, 100% of inmates that have been incarcerated following that release date and currently serving time for murder, drug use and car theft have played the video game "religiously" at some stage during their lives. Across 4 nations, not a single criminal convicted of those crimes was able to admit to researchers that they had never played GTA. 

With studies showing that there is no doubt violent criminals and crime are directly associated to video games the V.A.G.I.N.A crew wanted to explore just how deeply rooted this phenomenon could possibly be and expanded their research to sporting games.

After a grueling process spent interviewing those who played at a professional level and in a sport that had a minimum of 5 video game releases, the results were just as damning as their previous studies had found. Every single player, in every single code across every country visited had copies of video games in the sport they professionally play, thus making it clear that playing your favorite sporting game will without a shadow of doubt result in the gamer playing that sport in real life. FACT!

As these damning results started to filter through various online forums and social media platforms in what was almost perfect unison with the release of Rugby League 4, the know it all online footy experts went into panic mode as mass hysteria hit them as they feared they would have to actually remove themselves from the comfort of their own homes and actually play the game they claim to know so much about. 

#Faither reporter William Turner put his personal safety at risk as he dove straight into the thick of the action outside a local EB Games store that was being inundated with online Rugby League experts being dropped off by their mums as they desperately rushed to return the game with the fear it was too late for them and they would have to lace up the boots.

William Turner managed to get a moment with Max Wang, a pimply, middle aged nerd who was crying hysterically over the thought of having to do physical activity.

"Ive heard the over sensitive type talk about the violence in video games having a direct affect on personal lives and turning the most placid gamer into a crazed lunatic".

"There's no fucking way I want to end up like that. Actually playing a sport in real life is the last thing I want to do. Fuck that. Have a go at me. I'm 45 years old, weigh 250 kg's, live in my mums basement while paying no rent, have the old girl cook for me and clean after me, constantly jerk off into her soiled panties and occasionally dress up in them and try to seduce my father, haven't had a job in almost 2 decades and haven't ever been laid. Mind you i jerk off more often than is necessary but I have to kill time some how".

"On top of all that, i'm very fucking vocal on all the Rugby League supporters Groups. If I started playing real sport I wouldn't have time to give everyone my opinions that they crave from day to day."

"I'm not exactly an athlete as you can see for yourself. So for me to play a sport would leave me exposed to everyone online and they would see just how much of a pathetic, uncoordinated piece of shit I really am".

As if it were clock work, Max Wang promptly jumped onto his scooter with his fat people dress flailing about behind him like some sort of super hero that eats his way out of danger and lined up at the Chinese restaurant that has an all you can eat deal for $5. Here's hoping those poor bastards are prepared.

Whether the study into the link between gaming and reality is legit or not is questionable but as a bloke who talks the talk I am far too lazy to walk the walk. Where does one buy a yoyo from these days? And where the fuck is the "any" key?


**Important disclaimer**

This article is 100% satire. In these articles we may or may not use real names, often in semi-real or mostly fictional ways. All articles contained in the "satire" page are fiction and presumably fake news.

Any resemblance to the truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to staff and/or players, in which case they are based on real people, but still based almost entirely in fiction

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